This is one of the most important questions you can ask and then answer.

Do you say “I’m a mom”, “I’m a doctor”, “I’m unemployed”, “I’m white”, “I’m a college student”, “I’m gay”, “I’m a diabetic”, etc.?

Or do you say
“I have 2 children…..”
“I went to medical school and….”
“I am out of work right now…”
“My race is Caucasian…”
“I go to the University of whatever and am studying …..”
“I prefer a relationship with a person of the same gender/sex…”
“I have diabetes”

What’s the difference here? You are NOT the thing you’re describing. You are a human being with the same basic characteristics as every other human. You have just chosen to pursue the particular path you’re on.

“Huh? So what?”

The “so what” here is that people get boxed in by the way they define themselves. Maybe the “I’m a mom” person really wanted to be a professional dancer when she was young. But now that she’s older she sees herself as actually being a mom, not a person with unlimited capabilities and abilities to chase whatever dream she had. She is now in a box and that box always seems to have very high walls. Right now as a mom of young kids she has a “job”, a duty, obligation, responsibility. But what happens to all that when the kids grow and move away – the “empty nest” syndrome? She will always be their mother but the job, obligations and even the responsibility have changed dramatically now that the kids are not at home. So is she still “just a mom”? And if so, what does that mean? What is she to do all day long? What now?

I can really address the “I’m a doctor” scenario. Fortunately I never completely equated my identity with my profession. I think if I did that it was more the “I’m a Naval Officer” more than “I’m a doctor” because retiring from the Navy was harder than retiring and no longer serving as a doctor or in the Navy. I was able to shed the identity thing pretty easily but I still had to figure out what I was after I had no more job. Fortunately I had had several years to work on that and had substitute things I liked to do. If I hadn’t, then when I retired and was no longer being a doctor, what would my life have been like inside my head.

What’s important here is that we really need to stay out of that box, not just think outside it (although I never really understood what thinking outside the box meant – sigh). Cultivate your inner qualities. Those characteristics and principles that make you unique. There are a lot of moms and doctors in the world but there is only one you.

When you say “I’m white” what are you really trying to get across? Are you just describing your skin color or are you trying to say something else? You may not even know it, but your subconscious might be trying to pop up there with messages you don’t even know exist. Think about it, go in front of the mirror and say “I’m white” and see what you feel. Then say “my skin color is white” and see if that changes how you feel. I bet that one will generate some emotions and the other will be like saying “ok, I’m going to brush my teeth now”.

We have to stop separating ourselves from each other if we want to make a difference in this world. Knowing that you are human and I am human and taking off all the wrapping paper to simply see the beauty of the person within would help us stop being so judgmental

How often do you not do something because it’s “just a little thing” or did you ever not donate a dollar to a charity because that’s all that you could spare but you felt that “a dollar won’t make any difference”? Did you ever think about someone and think “I should send them a note” but then think that they wouldn’t care and you just don’t have time?

Let me ask you – what didn’t you have time for yesterday? Do you ever stop at the end of the day and look at what you didn’t do because you “didn’t have time”? What if there is no more time? What didn’t get done that would have made a difference in someone’s life?

I have often encouraged people to donate as little as a dollar if it’s something they care about. For me, it’s St Jude Children’s Research Hospital and one thing they do with their fundraising is break down the cost of things. I know the Food Banks and Feeding America (another of my favorites) do that too – “$10 will provide x number of meals”. I think this is great because it let’s people know that “no matter what you can donate, it will make a difference”. Often we are so wrapped up in our little worlds, that we don’t see that if 100 people just donated one dollar that would be one hundred dollars and that can provide something special and useful. When you think of things like cancer or hunger, you tend to think of the big picture which can be overwhelming but try to bring it down to the individual level and you’ll see that your $1 might make a difference when married up with several other people thinking and doing the same thing.

But this isn’t about fundraising. It’s about doing the little things but doing the little things that will make a difference. I got this thought when one of my friends said his mother was going to be 100 soon and he was trying to get 100 birthday cards. Of course I volunteered. What difference will my one little card make to someone who doesn’t even know me? Probably not much if I just look at it from my little bubble. But if 99 other people do this one “little thing” it will make all the difference in the world to two people. How could I NOT have time for that? That became my priority for today and so that I didn’t lose it in the mass of “important” things on my “agenda”, I put the card on the top of my daily routine stack. It became item number one that I did today so that I would get it done and in the mail. You know how much time it took? 2 minutes, maybe a max of 5 between finding a card, writing in it, addressing the envelope and going out to my mailbox. FIVE minutes and yet it has a chance of being part of something that will make someone happy. Wouldn’t you say that’s the most important thing you can do today – and yet it’s “just a little thing”

How many of these opportunities do you miss each day, either because they are little and pass under our “busy” radar or because you think they won’t matter? If you told the check out person at the grocery store how much you appreciate them and that you are grateful that they worked so bravely through the pandemic, I bet that would make them feel really good and you never know, they might just need that today.

Let’s try to get a bit out of our busy world and think of one small thing you can do for someone else. Can you send an email and say “hi” or a text or just talk to people when you’re out on your walk. Two weeks ago when it was in the 20s here in San Antonio, i ventured out on my walk and saw this guy who’s also always out there. I had stopped to take a picture so as he walked by I told him he was a die hard or something encouraging like that. I’m sure that made him proud that he was out there doing his daily exercise. I helped him feel good about himself. And it was just words. They don’t cost anything.

What little thing are you going to do this week (see, i eased up on you, i didn’t say “today”) that might make a difference in someone else’s life, either by itself or in conjunction with lots of other people you don’t even know – and don’t have to know.

Maybe I wrote this because I’m little.. who knows..just do something

Happy Valentine’s day!

I had something else to write for today but that can wait til tomorrow. Today we should be inquisitive and don our Sherlock Holmes hats. Let us take today and see what there is in everyone we come across and everyone we know that we can love. This won’t be easy but I think it will be illuminating.

I’m in a program for chronic pain and one of the things they are teaching is how to connect with our emotions through writing “unsent letters”. You find someone (or something) that has caused you stress and you write them a letter expressing all your anger, guilt, sadness etc.. Just letting your emotions out finally. Then you can also write a letter to yourself about what you learned.

I did my second one last night and I chose this person who “sent me over the edge” in 2016-2017. It was because of her that I ended up in the hospital for that long a period of time – this is what I wrote about the other day. So anyway, I wrote some last night but I didn’t feel as if I got all the anger out that I had. I felt that it was incomplete. So this morning I started writing again. And wow what I saw was a) not fun to see but b) was the most important thing I could have realized. This person mirrored my survival instinct and behavior completely. When I wrote that something was done, I stopped and saw that there had been a point in my life where I had done the same. And on it went. Each time I wrote about something that really made me mad, the kodak moment came where I saw myself acting in the same way.

The Universe put this person directly in my way so that I had to stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. All the anger I held immediately dissipated when that happened. I have done this with some of my illnesses like epilepsy and seen the good that came out of having that. I now know to do the same for my migraines and my GI issues. That will be enlightening I’m sure.

The release of all that anger made it worthwhile many times over. It was hard to write this post and admit to you all that what I saw in this person who had been a thorn in my side for a few years was really just seeing what I had been in my life as well. Talk about opening your eyes. But I no longer have any anger toward this person. They were doing what they needed to do to survive just as I have.

Are you willing to try the unsent letters or maybe just make a list of the people who irritate you and jot down why or how they irritate you? Then take a look at them and that/those irritating characteristics and see if they reflect any of your own?
Can you find something in them that you like or admire? Just one thing?
Make that today’s goal – find something in everyone that bothers you and embrace that one thing, no matter how tiny it is.

That is what Valentine’s Day should be all about – let’s get out of ourselves and our high and mighty spirit and look in the mirror of those the Universe has placed in our path and see what is staring back at us. Then hug it and love it because that will help you love yourself