This is one of the most important questions you can ask and then answer.
Do you say “I’m a mom”, “I’m a doctor”, “I’m unemployed”, “I’m white”, “I’m a college student”, “I’m gay”, “I’m a diabetic”, etc.?
Or do you say
“I have 2 children…..”
“I went to medical school and….”
“I am out of work right now…”
“My race is Caucasian…”
“I go to the University of whatever and am studying …..”
“I prefer a relationship with a person of the same gender/sex…”
“I have diabetes”
What’s the difference here? You are NOT the thing you’re describing. You are a human being with the same basic characteristics as every other human. You have just chosen to pursue the particular path you’re on.
“Huh? So what?”
The “so what” here is that people get boxed in by the way they define themselves. Maybe the “I’m a mom” person really wanted to be a professional dancer when she was young. But now that she’s older she sees herself as actually being a mom, not a person with unlimited capabilities and abilities to chase whatever dream she had. She is now in a box and that box always seems to have very high walls. Right now as a mom of young kids she has a “job”, a duty, obligation, responsibility. But what happens to all that when the kids grow and move away – the “empty nest” syndrome? She will always be their mother but the job, obligations and even the responsibility have changed dramatically now that the kids are not at home. So is she still “just a mom”? And if so, what does that mean? What is she to do all day long? What now?
I can really address the “I’m a doctor” scenario. Fortunately I never completely equated my identity with my profession. I think if I did that it was more the “I’m a Naval Officer” more than “I’m a doctor” because retiring from the Navy was harder than retiring and no longer serving as a doctor or in the Navy. I was able to shed the identity thing pretty easily but I still had to figure out what I was after I had no more job. Fortunately I had had several years to work on that and had substitute things I liked to do. If I hadn’t, then when I retired and was no longer being a doctor, what would my life have been like inside my head.
What’s important here is that we really need to stay out of that box, not just think outside it (although I never really understood what thinking outside the box meant – sigh). Cultivate your inner qualities. Those characteristics and principles that make you unique. There are a lot of moms and doctors in the world but there is only one you.
When you say “I’m white” what are you really trying to get across? Are you just describing your skin color or are you trying to say something else? You may not even know it, but your subconscious might be trying to pop up there with messages you don’t even know exist. Think about it, go in front of the mirror and say “I’m white” and see what you feel. Then say “my skin color is white” and see if that changes how you feel. I bet that one will generate some emotions and the other will be like saying “ok, I’m going to brush my teeth now”.
We have to stop separating ourselves from each other if we want to make a difference in this world. Knowing that you are human and I am human and taking off all the wrapping paper to simply see the beauty of the person within would help us stop being so judgmental
