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    Terrie Wurzbacher

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    Resolution or Goal?

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    I have never been fond of making resolutions but didn’t really know why. The more I’ve studied mental discipline, though, I began to understand my discomfort better.

    I recommend against making resolutions and transforming the things you’re not satisfied with into goals instead.

    Here’s the definitions:

    Resolution: “a promise to yourself to do or to not do something”

    Goal: “the result or achievement toward which effort is directed”

    What happens if you don’t keep a resolution? It’s as if you’re “breaking a promise”. What does that do to you emotionally? Nothing good. Since we often use resolutions to try to correct things we don’t like about ourelve (losing weight, making weak muscles strong, spending less money, etc.), this promise breaking can simply add to the bad feelings we have about ourselves. Our self-confidence takes another hit. How successful has that been in the past? Most of us have had enough degradation of our self-confidence in these areas that failing this time is simply hammering another nail in the coffin.

    Goals, on the other hand, can always be revised. Let’s say you “resolve” to lose 30 pounds. That is way too open ended and the first time you have an office party or a dinner out or something that happens in all of our lives, you’ll begin to feel that the resolution can’t ever be kept. So, the next time you’re tempted, you think about your resolution to lose 30 pounds and think of it as overwhelming and you rapidly abandon it. You’ve now broken a promise to yourself. That is why the gyms are filled to the brim for the first 2-3 weeks of the year and then drop back to where they were before. That kind of resolution is too broad and doesn’t give your brain much to deal with as far as visualizing.

    If you set a goal (properly) to lose 30 pounds it will be more specific. You’ve all heard about SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, timely) and you can Google that. To me, the most important part is the specific aspect. When do you think you can lose 30 pounds by? What do you base that on? Have you done that before? Is that going to be sustainable? Why would you want to take off 30 pounds and then put it back on which is what happens if this loss is done without consideration of your lifestyle.

    But another aspect of goal achievement is constant review or at least periodic review. Let’s say you thought you could lose 30 pounds in a month because of all the TV ads that imply that’s easy. After 3-4 weeks, you realize that is unrealistic and although you’ve done well at revising your lifestyle and food intake, you’re not going to make it to the 30 pounds. But since what you’re doing IS working and has been easy to live with, you look at what you’ve done and then figure out when you can expect to have taken off the full 30 pounds. Or maybe you realize you don’t need to lose 30 but 20 would make you healthier and happier.

    Review and revision is key. It allows you to eventually achieve your desired end point. Goals allow for that. Resolutions are, to me, a dead end.

    I feel resolutions are too negative whereas goals instill the “I can do it” feeling. Achieving what you want depends so much on your feelings (your passion, not a “I don’t feel like it” feeling). Wouldn’t a positive framework do more to keep the flame of desire fanned?

    Just my ramblings and thoughts.

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    The Loneliness of Christmas

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    This is the first Christmas as an adult that I have felt at ease. I think it’s because I focus my attention now on the great things that I have, the wonderful friendships I am blessed with, watching the joy of others.

    But beware – there are many around you that despite outward appearances are extremely lonely. Not to be morbid but those are the people at the most risk and the ones we should pay attention to. You can’t tell by how they act or what they have or probably by any fact you know about them. Loneliness is NOT the same as being alone. It’s much more pervasive and dangerous. It’s a feeling, not only of missing out (that dreaded FOMO I mentioned yesterday), but of not belonging – possibly the worst feeling one can ever experience. And, if you don’t belong, what’s the purpose for being here?

    If you’re one of those who feel this loneliness for whatever reason, try to just focus on a few things today. And know that you are not alone. Just because the neighbors or your other relatives seem to be having it all, a wonderful time and family etc.. doesn’t mean they, too, aren’t lonely. Appearances really are deceiving. So, you are not alone. That may not help much but it’s a start. Perhaps you know someone who you think is feeling as you do. Reach out to them and see if you can help them.

    Stay off social media today and maybe all week. That will only make you feel more left out and lonely.

    Most importantly, don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean you’re inferior or not worthy of happiness. It’s most likely a product of things that happened to you as a child. Just accept it and know that Christmas day is just another day – one that we hype up way more than we should. It’s supposed to have religious meaning but that is buried under all the external crap.

    Since it’s supposed to symbolize a birth, what new thing do you (and can you) want to bring into your life. Start with something small and then proceed to bring it into your existence just as you would a child. It needs to be cuddled, loved and introduced to things slowly. Major changes at one time are more likely to lead to feelings of overwhelm and subsequent disappointment. Start small. Don’t look at it as a goal. You’re introducing something into your life that you want, not one you think you need. Maybe you’d like to travel but can’t right now. You can read about where you want to go and the adventures of others. YouTube, books, articles and blogs are all available for you to immerse yourself in. You don’t even have to leave your house. Want to draw? Start with a “doodle session”. Whenever you start to feel those empty feelings, pick up a pen or pencil and start doodling. That’s much more productive than stuffing food or drink in your mouth. After all, we’re simply trying to fill that void. Might as well be with something we want to do.

    Reach out to someone for help. I learned that asking for help is not as hard as I thought. It’s hard, yes, but not impossible. People want to help and that makes them feel good too.

    Move – movement helps regulate the chemicals that bathe your brain and you can improve your mood simply by moving.

    Dance – a form of movement but better because it combines the power of music. And if you’re alone, no one will see. So, let go!

    Think of people you know who don’t have things so good right now.

    Think of your “gratitudes” – what are you grateful for.

    Comment here and see how people will be supportive of your needs.

    Most of all know that this day will end and tomorrow is Monday and although there is more holiday hype to come, you made it through Christmas. You can do the same next week!

    I know what you’re going through. I’ve got all the t-shirts!

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    What is a Life Lesson?

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    A lesson is something that you’ve learned. Although you hope it is, it’s NOT always useful in your life – how much of what we learned in school do we really use or has really impacted our lives?

    A Life Lesson, to me, is something that has been learned by one person AND will help someone else not have to repeat mistakes or hard times. It’s intended to make life richer, more fulfilling and less difficult.

    I have lived for many decades and have experienced a great deal in my life. But, it’s only been in the last few years that I have actually looked at what I learned and said to myself “I sure wish I had known that before.”

    My Christmas wish for you is that the “Reflection Journal: Life Lessons, Volume 1” will help make at least some parts of your life easier.

    Here’s a sneak peek as to what the format looks like! A picture really is worth a thousand words.

    This is a great companion book for “It’s Not About the Miles” but it’s also the “down and dirty” synopsis of what I’ve learned through all my years on earth!

    Get it today and start the year off right.