Next time you get upset with someone you know, remember this quote from Aretha Franklin:
“You cannot define a person on just one thing. You can’t just forget all these wonderful and good things that a person has done because one thing didn’tt come off the way you thought it should come off.” Source: Aretha: Star’s Legacy Lives, Detroit Free Press (February 18, 2012)

How often in the heat of the moment do we decide someone is a jerk or a bozo or whatever it is you’ve labeled them? I’m just as guilty as others and maybe even more guilty. But in line with Aretha’s quote, I am trying to remember all the great things about that person especially if they are someone that I liked BEFORE they did that “stupid thing”. Can you think of it in that way? Why did you like them 12 hours ago?

We forget that everyone is human and that humans make mistakes. We also forget that it is WE who are deciding that what they did was a mistake or stupid. We really should then be asking ourselves – who the heck are we to make that decision and have it be the “gospel”? The other person may not even know that it’s something that offended you or would offend you. They can’t read minds any more than you can. You don’t know their motives. We are often so self oriented that we think that the other person SHOULD know what’s in our minds and what we like etc.. We also somehow think they should really care. Why? Why do we think that?

I have found (because of a program I’m in) that if I examine what it is that is p*ssing me off about someone, it’s often something I have been guilty of doing too. So how can I fault someone else. We are seeing ourselves mirrored in the lives of others. This is ok because as long as we keep the Windex handy (and use it, not just keep it in the bottle), then we can see what we don’t like in ourselves and hopefully change before we become the subject of another’s determination that we are a bozo. It’s not very comfortable to see that what I have been criticizing is what is in me but it’s something I have to see and change.

So for the second time this week, I have invoked the mirror concept..lol…that was not intentional but mirrors are for more than just seeing if we have food stuck in our teeth.

How often do we have something happen to us and when it didn't work out the greatest, we think 
"I'm a failure"
"I can't do anything right"
"Why the heck did I even think I could do that?"
"Who was I kidding thinking that I could do that?"
"I feel like such a fool"
"People must be laughing their heads off at me"
"You can be sure I'll never do that again"
and on and  on and on.....

Instead we should be celebrating the fact that we had the courage to do something different; of if it's a situation that just happened upon us without our initiating it, then celebrate the fact that you made it through and you survived. That is a really big accomplishment.

You're not a failure because something didn't go perfectly or turned out wrong. Just as you're not a success when something does go "right" (however you define "right"). We are not failures or successes - all or none. We have experiences but we aren't the experience or the result. 

I know, I have frequently defined myself as a failure when I screwed something up (like I can control everything? I don't think so). I've written this before but I initially felt like a failure at the ATY race in December-January. But when I got my head back on straight, i realized several things:
-I was not a failure because it didn't go as well as I'd hoped (that is also pretty conceited). One thing doesn't make someone anything. It's just a happening
-Even though there were somethings  that didn't go well or as well as i wanted, there were other things that went really well. They just hadn't been on my pre-recorded list of what would make me a success. So, I discounted them initially. Later I realized those things and their results were actually more important than those other "goals" on my list. That was cause to celebrate even more.
- This realization did not make ME a Success. It made me continue to be Terrie with new data to analyze and incorporate somehow into my daily existence.

That's all that experiences are. They do not define you. They simply give you information to plug into that amazing computer in your head. How it's interpreted is a function of the programs you've created and installed in that computer. As they say "garbage in, garbage out". If you interpret objective events as bad and have programmed that into your computer, the result will be more of the same - "I am bad. I am a failure. I did badly. I suck" etc.. Most of these programs were developed and installed when we were kids. They all need updates. Things have changed. If we don't do maintenance and check things out periodically, we continue to run defective programs (our beliefs) and we resist change - especially any challenge to change our beliefs. If you were told you were a failure or bad when you were a kid, you immediately went to the programmer inside of you, they created this automatic system that would say "if I do this" or "if i don't do that" THEN "I am a failure". If it played over repeatedly as it did in my case, then the program runs day and night. It's only when you shut it down and do a reinstall adding a "patch" that blocks those security breaches, that it can now interpret the data that's inputted differently. Now it might say "If I did that" or "if I didn't do that" THEN "i learned something and it's my job to figure out what I learned and add it to the database."

Can you think of times in your life when you though that an experience made you this or that? Can you look back and see how your first or automatic response really wasn't accurate? The key is to recognize that a first thought is just the automatic program. Hit the escape button and then rerun the program and see what you come up with. 

This is one of the most important questions you can ask and then answer.

Do you say “I’m a mom”, “I’m a doctor”, “I’m unemployed”, “I’m white”, “I’m a college student”, “I’m gay”, “I’m a diabetic”, etc.?

Or do you say
“I have 2 children…..”
“I went to medical school and….”
“I am out of work right now…”
“My race is Caucasian…”
“I go to the University of whatever and am studying …..”
“I prefer a relationship with a person of the same gender/sex…”
“I have diabetes”

What’s the difference here? You are NOT the thing you’re describing. You are a human being with the same basic characteristics as every other human. You have just chosen to pursue the particular path you’re on.

“Huh? So what?”

The “so what” here is that people get boxed in by the way they define themselves. Maybe the “I’m a mom” person really wanted to be a professional dancer when she was young. But now that she’s older she sees herself as actually being a mom, not a person with unlimited capabilities and abilities to chase whatever dream she had. She is now in a box and that box always seems to have very high walls. Right now as a mom of young kids she has a “job”, a duty, obligation, responsibility. But what happens to all that when the kids grow and move away – the “empty nest” syndrome? She will always be their mother but the job, obligations and even the responsibility have changed dramatically now that the kids are not at home. So is she still “just a mom”? And if so, what does that mean? What is she to do all day long? What now?

I can really address the “I’m a doctor” scenario. Fortunately I never completely equated my identity with my profession. I think if I did that it was more the “I’m a Naval Officer” more than “I’m a doctor” because retiring from the Navy was harder than retiring and no longer serving as a doctor or in the Navy. I was able to shed the identity thing pretty easily but I still had to figure out what I was after I had no more job. Fortunately I had had several years to work on that and had substitute things I liked to do. If I hadn’t, then when I retired and was no longer being a doctor, what would my life have been like inside my head.

What’s important here is that we really need to stay out of that box, not just think outside it (although I never really understood what thinking outside the box meant – sigh). Cultivate your inner qualities. Those characteristics and principles that make you unique. There are a lot of moms and doctors in the world but there is only one you.

When you say “I’m white” what are you really trying to get across? Are you just describing your skin color or are you trying to say something else? You may not even know it, but your subconscious might be trying to pop up there with messages you don’t even know exist. Think about it, go in front of the mirror and say “I’m white” and see what you feel. Then say “my skin color is white” and see if that changes how you feel. I bet that one will generate some emotions and the other will be like saying “ok, I’m going to brush my teeth now”.

We have to stop separating ourselves from each other if we want to make a difference in this world. Knowing that you are human and I am human and taking off all the wrapping paper to simply see the beauty of the person within would help us stop being so judgmental