Daily Gratitude: Did you realize there’s a difference between these two? On the surface they seem the same.  The example given by Stephen Chandler was that when he was an alcoholic and he came into a friends house and they they gave him an alcoholic drink, that was pleasing him.  If that person instead took him to a 12 step program, they were then serving him.  Often we please others because it’s the easy way out and doesn’t make any waves.  But that’s actually doing more harm than good.  Serving others is doing the right thing for them no matter how hard it is.  This is similar to and maybe even just another way of saying tough love.  When you let others get away with less than optimal behavior (aka bad behavior), instead of ignoring and saying things like “that’s just the way she is” or even “boys will be boys” then that’s a form of pleasing.  It certainly is not serving. If you were to address someone who’s constantly yelling at you and letting them know that 1) it hurts your feelings, and 2) you won’t tolerate it any longer, then you are serving them – even if they don’t think so at the time.  Can you think of times in your life when you’ve just pleased someone and then another time when you’ve served them? Let us know.  

Daily Gratitude: Ever wonder how “this” could happen to you? I think that in my metaphysical experience this is the most common theme I get from people resisting the idea that we create our world and what happens to us. And I certainly can understand it. People often talk of children with debilitating or terminal diseases and say “you’re saying this poor child created this horrible disease?” I don’t always have an answer but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It just means I’m not advanced enough to figure it out. And again these are just my interpretations of my training. Let’s take a major disaster such as a hurricane. You might ask “well did everyone in that area just all of a sudden decide they were going to have their lives upended? All at the same time? Come on Terrie!” No, I don’t think these humans were forceful enough to create a hurricane. But I do believe they can and do create their responses to what happened. If they believe in the strength of their thoughts, they will come out of this ok and even help a lot of other people. They will be the victors. If they simply feel victimized with no control over how they respond, they will be the victims. You can choose to be either the victim or the victor. It’s all in how you think about things. I know a few people and one in particular who’s got 3 hellish diagnoses (all at once) right now. She could easily be justified in rolling over and giving up. But she isn’t. She had chosen to be a victor and I believe that if anyone has a chance to “win” against these 3 formidable forces, she does. But you know what? Even if she doesn’t “win” (by our standards), she has already won because of the attitude with which she’s entered into this. She may help someone else (maybe someone she doesn’t even know) turn around and go from despair to hope and the willingness to fight. How great would that be? Think about things that aren’t as you’d really like them to be in your life. How can you approach them differently to look for that thing I always talk about A the “seed of equivalent benefit”. If you look hard enough, you can find it.

Hate begets hate

Daily Gratitude: This is so simple you’d think we could all concentrate on the love part. But alas, humans are anything but simple. It takes effort for us to see the love and the good in others. I think one place to start is to ask “what happened to Joe to make him act and be like this?” Instead of “what’s wrong with Joe?” When we ask what’s wrong with Joe, we are assuming we are right – or at least that WE know what’s right. Who died and left us in charge? When you ask what happened to Joe, you’re seeking his story so you can better understand what’s going on inside of him that’s leading to these behaviors you don’t like. Once you find out he grew up in an abusive home and was forced into the streets to earn money at the age of 8 and was unhoused since the age of 10, you might be able to see how some of his behavior was inevitable. The more you know about IFS, too, the more you can see how Joe is not all bad as you initially thought. His primary protective mechanism (his protective parts) have just been performing their duties. There are, undoubtedly, more parts in him that are really kind and good but are subservient to the more volatile ones. See how just asking a simple question can help you reframe your opinion of Joe? This doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you have to approve of his behavior just because you understand it. Perhaps you can look at Joe (and not his actions) differently. It’s worth a try