Message 337

This is a zen saying by Caigen Tan
“Water which is too pure has no fish”

Perfection may look beautiful, but it leaves no room for improvement-or even for life itself.

When we try to remove every impurity, we eliminate or sterilize those things that nurture growth and transformation.

I think of all the time I’d spend perfecting all my homework assignments and presentations, all the sleepless nights.

And for what? Well, from an IFS perspective, it was to prevent more criticism and shame.

People often develop this trait as a result of fear-based protections:

• Fear of failure → “If I’m flawless, I won’t fail.”
• Fear of rejection → “If I do everything right, I won’t be abandoned.”
• Fear of shame → “Mistakes mean I am a mistake.”
• Fear of chaos or loss of control → Perfection becomes predictability.

It also comes from Early experiences & attachment:

• Conditional approval: Love, praise, or safety came only when you did things “right.”
• Inconsistent caregiving: Being perfect felt like a way to keep relationships stable.
• High expectations or criticism: You learned that mistakes had consequences.
• Parentification: You had to grow up early or be “the responsible one.”

Then there’s Trauma and nervous system factors:

• Hypervigilance: Scanning for errors as a survival strategy.
• Freeze/fawn responses: “If I do everything right, I’ll stay safe.”
• Chronic stress or instability: Order and precision bring temporary relief.

There are also Psychological patterns:

• Black-and-white thinking: Perfect or worthless—no middle ground.
• Intolerance of uncertainty: Perfection feels like certainty.
• Internalized critical voice: Often echoes an early external critic.

What perfectionism is often doing for someone

It isn’t usually the problem—it’s the solution someone learned:
• It protects from shame
• It promises safety
• It creates control
• It helps avoid emotional pain
• It keeps attachment intac

Can you think of your own experience with this or perhaps with someone you know. Did you see or feel the anxiety increase as the clock ticked closer to the deadline.

Then think of what happened if it wasn’t perfect? Nothing dramatic from my side. The world surely didn’t end.

We need the doubts and contradictions within our mind to allow for growth. Think of murky water that provides nourishment for the fish that swim in it.

The quest for perfection took so much time that there wasn’t time for any growth. I think I was afraid of growth. After all, in order to grow, you have to start something new and most likely start from the beginning. That is as treacherous as trying to walk on a tightrope. One tiny mistake and i would plummet to the ground. I sure in hell wasn’t going to begin something new.

We can find peace in the quiet acceptance of what is often messy, muddled, and real.

Just accepting messy and muddled can eventually lead to the peace we seek. That is not something that’s going to happen overnight.

Message 336

More from “The Obstacle is the Way” by Ryan Holliday

In this section Ryan was pointing to the reasons some people and businesses were successful during great crises while others folded over. The primary principle is something we can all put into practice in our daily life.

Because the founders were too busy existing in the present— actually dealing with the situation at hand, They didn’t know whether it would get better or worse, they just knew what was.

In most ordinary people’s lives, we aren’t content to deal with things as they happen. We have to dive endlessly into what everything “means, whether something is “fair” or not, what’s “behind” this or that, and what everyone else is doing.

Then we wonder why we don’t have the energy to actually deal with our problems. Or we get ourselves so worked up and intimidated because of the overthinking.

What should we do?

Focus on the moment, not the monsters that may or may not be up ahead.

He says “Those people with an entrepreneurial spirit are blessed to have no time and no ability to think about the ways things should be, or how they’d prefer them to be.”

we’re always trying to figure out what things mean—why things are the way they are. As though the why matters.

Emerson put it best: “We cannot spend the day in explanation.”

What matters is that right now is right now.

The implications of our obstacle are theoretical-they exist in the past and the future. We live in the moment. And the more we embrace that, the easier the obstacle will be to face and move.

You can take the trouble you’re dealing with and use it as an opportunity to focus on the present moment. To ignore the totality of your situation and learn to be content with what happens, as it happens, or as we talked about yesterday, love it.

To let each moment be new- wipe clear what came before and what others were hoping would come next.

Find the way that works for you to bring yourself right down into the present moment. Enlist others to help prevent you and your team from straying outside that moment.

One thing is certain. It’s not simply a matter of saying: Oh, I’ll live in the present. You have to work at it. Catch your mind when it wanders-don’t let it get away from you. Discard distracting thoughts. Leave things well enough alone—no matter how much you feel like doing otherwise.

Remember that this moment is not your life, it’s just a moment in your life. Focus on what is in front of you; right now. Ignore what it “represents” or it
“means” or “why it happened to you.”