Message 339

“Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn’t know you left open.”
JOHN BARRYMORE

I may have talked about this before but in reviewing the year, I ran across this concept again.

I hope that you copy this quote and put it somewhere that’s easily accessible. read it every day.

All too often we’re feeling despair when something isn’t going the way we want it to. We have blinders on and can’t see anything but the discouraging event and “possible” consequences. I put possible in quotes because they are really imagined consequences because they haven’t happened yet.

Because of the blinders, we don’t look around the room (at the rest of our life) to see the good things that are there right in front of us – if we took the blinders off.

Nothing is all bad.

Here’s what I could have focused on the race in Tennessee which ended up with a fractured clavicle:

I had to stop the race so I didn’t finish it.

I am a failure for not finishing.

I am too old or I wouldn’t have tripped on that asphalt lip.

I shouldn’t ever do any races again.

I had to give in and go to an ER (gasp).

I won’t going to be able to do anything with my right arm for at least 6 weeks.

I can’t continue writing my book or doing my podcast interviews.

And on and on.

So, what was hiding in the corners beyond where I could see if I kept the blinders on?

The love and concern other people showed me.

The true friendship of someone who gave up 3-4 days of his life to come drive me home.

The fun I had conquering doing everything with my left arm.

The rest I’m was going to get since I couldn’t do much else.

Enjoying watching the healing process which is fascinating.

Reading more since I had more time.

Those things that crept in through the door I left open far outweighed the “bad” things I could only see if I kept my blinders on. I’m sure you have similar examples in your life IF you’d simply look for the breadcrumbs leading to the door you left open.

Why don’t you try to follow the clues and let us know.

Message 337

This is a zen saying by Caigen Tan
“Water which is too pure has no fish”

Perfection may look beautiful, but it leaves no room for improvement-or even for life itself.

When we try to remove every impurity, we eliminate or sterilize those things that nurture growth and transformation.

I think of all the time I’d spend perfecting all my homework assignments and presentations, all the sleepless nights.

And for what? Well, from an IFS perspective, it was to prevent more criticism and shame.

People often develop this trait as a result of fear-based protections:

• Fear of failure → “If I’m flawless, I won’t fail.”
• Fear of rejection → “If I do everything right, I won’t be abandoned.”
• Fear of shame → “Mistakes mean I am a mistake.”
• Fear of chaos or loss of control → Perfection becomes predictability.

It also comes from Early experiences & attachment:

• Conditional approval: Love, praise, or safety came only when you did things “right.”
• Inconsistent caregiving: Being perfect felt like a way to keep relationships stable.
• High expectations or criticism: You learned that mistakes had consequences.
• Parentification: You had to grow up early or be “the responsible one.”

Then there’s Trauma and nervous system factors:

• Hypervigilance: Scanning for errors as a survival strategy.
• Freeze/fawn responses: “If I do everything right, I’ll stay safe.”
• Chronic stress or instability: Order and precision bring temporary relief.

There are also Psychological patterns:

• Black-and-white thinking: Perfect or worthless—no middle ground.
• Intolerance of uncertainty: Perfection feels like certainty.
• Internalized critical voice: Often echoes an early external critic.

What perfectionism is often doing for someone

It isn’t usually the problem—it’s the solution someone learned:
• It protects from shame
• It promises safety
• It creates control
• It helps avoid emotional pain
• It keeps attachment intac

Can you think of your own experience with this or perhaps with someone you know. Did you see or feel the anxiety increase as the clock ticked closer to the deadline.

Then think of what happened if it wasn’t perfect? Nothing dramatic from my side. The world surely didn’t end.

We need the doubts and contradictions within our mind to allow for growth. Think of murky water that provides nourishment for the fish that swim in it.

The quest for perfection took so much time that there wasn’t time for any growth. I think I was afraid of growth. After all, in order to grow, you have to start something new and most likely start from the beginning. That is as treacherous as trying to walk on a tightrope. One tiny mistake and i would plummet to the ground. I sure in hell wasn’t going to begin something new.

We can find peace in the quiet acceptance of what is often messy, muddled, and real.

Just accepting messy and muddled can eventually lead to the peace we seek. That is not something that’s going to happen overnight.