Daily Gratitude: Does this ring a bell – “Actions speak louder than words”? Sometimes cute phrases are too cute and they lose meaning because people say them over and over and they become rote.

I think this quote puts the relatively abstract “actions speak louder than words” in a much more user friendly perspective- it’s more visual.

I think we see this on an almost daily basis, especially with politicians. They say they are going to do one thing while they are campaigning and then, once elected, they become a totally different person.

People in your everyday lives can be like this too. Once someone does something opposite what they have said, how much do you trust them? Sure, you can give a second chance to someone but if this is repeated, how likely are you to keep giving chances?

More importantly, take a look at yourself. Have you ever told someone how much you love them and then find yourself blowing up at them or continually criticizing them? What’s up with that? Why do you act that way after you’ve spoken of your “love”.

It works internally too. Look at goals or resolutions you make and vow to keep. Next thing you know they’re out the window. Again what’s up?

That might be a good goal – to monitor or review your actions compared to your words and see how often they are incongruent. Then see if you can figure out why and more importantly, what can you do about it.

Daily Gratitude: So much of our lives is expressed in this quote. Can you think of a time when you didn’t venture forth or stopped doing something to avoid the “possibility” of being criticized?

I had an interesting experience last weekend. I had all the good intentions of working diligently on editing my book. But as Saturday’s hours seemed to fly by, I was finding “more important” things to do. As a result I got nothing done on my book.

Sunday came along and I re-affirmed my intentions to “work all day” on the book. However, I started to veer off on the “more important things” path. I decided to investigate what was going on

Using the IFS process, I discovered a part that was deathly afraid of judgement and criticism. It knew that my editing this book would lead people to read it and e decide it was horrible and therefore I was horrible (that’s the route that shame takes – if you do a bad thing, you are bad, not just the thing).

I reassured the part that we weren’t at that stage yet. That this was just fixing things up the first time and we were a long way from anyone reading the book. It breathed a sigh of relief. Then I added to it by reminding it (the scared part) that we’d been through this process before and we survived without anything bad happening. That fact also reassured it.

I could have just gone on procrastinating or somehow forced myself to get some work done. But using this method I ended up having the most productive day of my writing life as far as editing is concerned.

When you find yourself avoiding or stopping something, take a look at what’s going on in your mind to see if there’s a part of you that’s harboring fear – fear of being judged or criticized. If there is something in you that say “yes”, don’t be judgmental or criticize that part (doing the thing it fears) and don’t become impatient with it (or with yourself if you still don’t believe the parts theory). Be gentle, kind and understanding. It will make all the difference in the world, Especially if you thank that procrastinating part for protecting you all these years. It will relax and you may even feel it relax.

Try it.

Daily Gratitude: There’s so much going on inside of us that we might even be frightened if we knew how much.

That’s where IFS comes in. It is truly an entire family system within you. There’s all sorts of typical family interactions as well – spats, sulking, rejoicing, taking care of one another, love, anger, sadness, grief, you name it.

We all acknowledge that we have memories so why can’t we accept that we have “tiny personalities” within that may even be containers for most of those memories.

In the past week alone I’ve made major changes in my perspective on people and ideas and things in my life. I’m 77 years old so this is amazing that I can up thoughts and beliefs I’ve held for so long. But it works.

Every time you say “a part of me….”, you are acknowledging one of those tiny personalities.

This inside family is where most of your battles are fought. My parts were frequently at “war” with one another, just like two toddlers or worse yet, two teenagers. They both want the same thing. In this teenage example they most likely want autonomy just as physical teens do. They just have different ways of getting what they want.

The battles within are the hardest fought. Learn more about your parts and you’ll learn that you are not stuck in particular beliefs or thought patterns. You can change!

That is the most freeing experience in your life.