Terrie’s Tip – Instead of asking “What’s wrong with you (or he/she)?” you should be asking “What happened to them (or you)?”

Thanks to Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry for this. They have published a book with that title “What Happened to You?” If you know someone with “issues” or problems or who has had a difficult childhood or if it’s you, read this book. Given the statistics for how many people in the country (and probably the world) have had this kind of issue I would just recommend that everyone read it..haha..yes, I know there are normal people out there but even if that’s you, you are dealing with so many others in the world that have been exposed to adverse childhood events (ACE).

What these two have put together is brilliant and tells us that even though you think Joe is a real jerk and you just can’t understand why he’s so immature and always blowing up for ‘no good reason’, if you asked the right question (even if it’s just of yourself because you don’t want to risk asking him), you might be able to accept him a bit better and even have some compassion for him. Poor Joe doesn’t even know why he does what he does. He doesn’t remember that no one ever came to care for him when his diaper was dirty or wet when he was 1 month old. He doesn’t know that he interpreted that as him not being good enough or that he was unloved but that’s what happened.

The things that happen to (or don’t happen to) us when we’re children have so much of an impact on us that comes along on the whole “getting older” journey. Every day it seems, scientists are finding out how much of an impact that is.

This applies this weekend to many of your friends and family members who are vets. Those who have had a traumatic childhood (absence of love, experiencing constant chaos and uncertainty, etc) and then have been exposed to trauma of war will have a greater negative outcome. Be more understanding when you see someone with PTSD.

I have learned that when we are “triggered” and get angry, we are responding to something that happened to us in the past NOT to the person or even that is happening now. Becoming aware of this is the first important step in the whole process. Anger can be considered “temporary insanity” (thanks Dr. David Hanscom) because you are incapable of thinking since the blow flow to the thinking part of your brain is cut off when you’re angry.

The non-scientific point here is that instead of being judgmental about people perhaps it would serve us better if we’d step back and show compassion and simply wonder “what happened to Joe”….that made him behave like this. If we realize it’s not his choice, we can reach out with greater love and understanding – maybe even greater than he has for himself.

To learn more, get the book – I am listening to the audiobook and Oprah feels so strongly about this (as you would know if you were addicted to her show apparently – I was not so I wasn’t aware she was such an advocate for helping abused children), she narrates half – it’s like a conversation between her and Dr. Perry.

Let’s try to understand and care about others knowing that the way they are acting is most likely because of the stuff that happened to them when they were so very little.