Daily Gratitude: You know how things show up in your life just when you need them? This quote is one of those times. I had just been reading a book on the brain and chronic pain and the chapter I was reading was about personality traits that seem to be consistent among people who develop chronic pain. As I delved deeper into the chapter something happened in my brain. It was as if I was a manikin loaded up with all of last year’s clothing piled on my body. There must have been some sort of shakeup because all of a sudden those old clothes began to fall off and I could see the smooth white skin of the manikin. This translates this way. It’s been a few weeks of trying to decide if I was going to go to Colorado in 2 days (that would be a little over 3 weeks since my injury). From somewhere deep within came a theoretical voice (and it might have been a real voice since my parts can get loud). This was the question I heard “what do you really want, Terrie?” And the answer came as quickly “I don’t want to go. I’m still having pain and when I up my activity just a bit, the pain increases. Plus I’m still fairly tired even though that’s getting better.” Simple, right? Not at all. So many things had been piled up on that manikin that I couldn’t see what was underneath (that I didn’t feel safe going). My parts were having a war and they didn’t invite me. However this situation has made me realize that when I think I’m just “being a Libra” by not being able to decide on something, that it means my parts are polarized (opposite points of view) and I need to pay attention. There was the “show them how strong and independent you are” part; the FOMO part that was also living in the past (“what if something is said that would help me know more about chronic pain? Last years conference was fantastic. I don’t want to miss out on anything”); the bored part (“I’m tired of waiting for this to heal. It’s better every day so maybe I can drive 1000 miles each way even though I really just have one functional arm”); I will miss seeing my friend and we’ve been planning this for months now. 96% of these things are fear or hope based without regard for how things are. I’m almost 77 years old and not a spring chicken anymore. I am a doctor and should know that there is a better chance of healing completely if I allow my body to heal the right way. I’m no longer in practice so it’s not going to hurt my patients by missing out on the conference. And I surely don’t want to create an environment for me to develop chronic pain after this heals. As far as my friend is concerned, I can go visit him another time. It was nice that he lives near Boulder and easy for us to meet but it’s not the last time I could drive up there. I’m still sad but I think all my parts have been heard (maybe not since there are so many) so my decision is made. It doesn’t feel great but it feels safer and if I feel safer then my brain will too and that will help the healing.