I bet you’re scratching your head at this. But it’s true. Most people are mistaken, not malicious. Maybe you won’t like the semantics but the basic concept here is that most people are NOT doing things with a mean spirit or intent. Be honest with yourself –  I’ll bet you don’t always think that. 

But let’s keep this in mine when someone annoys us. 

Almost no one wakes up thinking, “Today I’m going to be unfair, selfish, and unreasonable.” The Who wakes up with the intent to cut you off in traffic? They don’t even know you.

Who starts the morning with “I’m going to do whatever it takes to beat out Terrie at work?” Even if that’s how it appears to turn out, what they are really saying to themselves is “I’m going to do whatever I can to show the boss how good I am today.” They may not even think about what it will do to a coworker. How many times do you hear the phrase “he (or she) is clueless”?

People generally believe they’re acting correctly, even when they clearly aren’t. They think they’re being honest, protecting themselves, doing their best, or just “telling it like it is.”

From the inside, their actions make sense to them. When we remember this, our reactions soften. Remember that everyone has a story but we probably don’t know it, or if we do know some of it, it’s only what that person wanted us to hear. Undoubtedly there’s much much more. After all, Story tellers condense and distill so as to have maximum effect on the audience. People telling their own stories are  no different. Some embellish, some delete. I believe, though, that 90% or more of the time, where there’s a story, there’s pain. And people are most likely reacting from that pain, usually unconsciously.

The coworker who takes credit probably thinks they’re just being proactive. 

The friend who never listens likely believes they’re being helpful by giving advice. 

Even the person who cuts us off in traffic usually thinks they’re in a rush for a good reason. 

None of this makes the behavior  right, but it changes how we respond and react to it. 

Anger often comes from assuming bad intent. We tell ourselves people are careless with our time, cruel with their words, or lazy with their commitments. 

We can look at it differently: most people are mistaken, not malicious. 

They’re acting under confusion, fear, habit, or a warped idea of what “good” looks like. 

When we hold that idea consistently, we become less sharp with each other and, honestly, with ourselves. 

We stop escalating small conflicts into moral judgments. 

We respond instead of reacting. 

Try this Think of someone who frustrates you right now. 

Write down what they probably believe they’re protecting or pursuing. 

Ask how they would justify their actions.

Notice if this  changes the tone of your thoughts and responses.