How many times have you heard someone say “I didn’t mean it” AFTER someone has already been hurt and is crying their eyes out. They say it as if that will excuse their hurtful action- just because they didn’t mean it.

It doesn’t.

We have to realize that there is a difference between impact and intent.

We have to practice pausing. If we don’t, that anger we feel (which may be justifiable) may lead to us doing something we regret. Do enough “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it” chants and your relationships (of all sorts) go to pot.

I was someone who was totally ruled by my Dedender part whose only MO was to lash out in anger when it felt threatened, i can vouch for all of this. But there was another aspect to consider. Until I got to know many of my parts (yes it’s more IFS-internal family systems), I needed the Defender’s anger. Without it there was a chance some one might actually get close to me and that was more terrifying than losing relationships. That’s why it’s called an internal family.

Can you list your reactions and how you respond to different situations? Are your responses separated by a pause? What is the impact of your responses. Take stock of what’s going on in your everyday life and see if there are ways you can change.