Writing the book about my “body language” in the context of physical symptoms and the past has taught me so many things. I can’t wait until it’s published. But, I suppose it’s like having a baby. You can’t rush the process. Patience (not patients) is key.

Sigh.

Anyway, one thing I’ve learned is that continually looking back with the mantra of “why?” or “why me?” is not the way to improve things. It keeps you stuck where you don’t want to be – in the past.

It’s helpful to examine what’s happened in order to find out what happened because certain behavior patterns are based in childhood and knowledge of this is important for healing. In addition, treatments are different depending on the origin of a these patterns.

You have to decide to step forward and step out of your cocoon. Lamenting why me only fills the cocoon with more toxins. You have to shed the shells that have protected you all these years. At least, you have to shed them if you want to heal and change.

It’s not easy to say “what now?” but sitting and paying attention to the deep feeling you get when you say that compared to the feeling when you say “why me?” will surprise you. That may be all you’re able to do for a long time. But just saying those words moves you into the realm of progress.

Some day when you’re feeling brave, you can list in a hidden journal (if you’re not ready to share with others) the answers that come after you ask yourself “What now?”. It may be a bunch of really scary things but at least you’ve gotten them out on paper (or digitally). That is the second step (asking the question is the first).

Once you have some items listed, you can take one at a time to “chunk” down into tiny little pieces that you think you can accomplish.

I think one of the most important things you can do is find others who’ve been where you are. Be careful not to “hang out” with those who have been there for a long time. Sometimes it’s easier and safer to stay where you are and talking about it may appear to be trying to make progress. But what you want, is to find out how the ones who were there clawed their way out. If you have a problem with alcohol, you don’t go to a bar to figure that out. You might find people to help you better at an AA meeting.

Once you’ve said “What now?” a powerful change has been made in your brain and you are on your way to creating new neural pathways that will lead you where you really want to be. The key there is that one answer to “what now?” is to figure out where you want to be. If you want to “be happy”, list what being happy means to you. It shouldn’t be material things. If you stick to them, you end up in the “If-then” conundrum. “When I lose 100 pounds, I’ll be happy and my family will love me.” I am very familiar with this as my primary goal as a child was to make my father love me and stop yelling. So it was always “If I get 100 in this class or that, daddy will love me.” You know what? It never worked. And since this was so programmed into my brain as a child, it persisted as I aged – even into my 70s. It’s only been in the last few years I’ve been able to untangle some of that octopus’s tentacles that have encased me all my life. And that beautiful creature still has its hold on me even after all this work.

Again, it’s not easy at all. You just have to start with “What now?” whenever you want to say “Why?” or “Why me?”

Know that you are not alone. That is one thing i want my book to help people understand. It’s much easier when you hold the hand of someone who’s been there. They may even give you a t-shirt when you’ve “done that”.