Yes, i know that sounds redundant but bear with me.

I’m hoping you’ve heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (you can find it on YouTube if you haven’t read the book). In it he describes the various languages of love and advises that you need to figure out what your primary language is as well as that of the people you are close to (not just romantically). They are
– words of affirmation
– acts of service
– receiving gifts
– quality time
– physical touch

Reading this book explained so much that used to confuse me and was extremely helpful.

But, recently I’ve been confused in some of my “friendships” — wondering whether these people want to continue to be my friends (real friends, not “Facebook friends”.

Of course, there had been no arguments, no disagreements, no falling out etc.. Nothing. So what was making me uncomfortable?

I finally figured out that in this day and age, it’s essential that you know another person’s “communication language” – in other words, how do they prefer to interact with you.

When i was growing up and through most of my adult life, you interacted with a friend in one of three ways – in person, by phone or by letter. After about 1995 the “letter” part was subdivided into the infamous “snail mail” and “email”.

Fast forward 20-25 years and the entire realm of possibility has exploded.

I had realized that each person has a preference and that just because their preference wasn’t the same as mine didn’t mean they didn’t want to be friends. This was a big eye opener. Once again, it has to do with getting out of the “it’s all about me” mode that we so often catch ourselves in.

Here’s what I came up with and it explained to me what “happened” and “where did my friends go”…lol

First off here are the communication languages I came up with:

– Face to face (in person)
– phone
– Text
– Messenger
– Social media posts
– email
– letter (snail mail)
– facetime/zoom

I have to start off by saying I absolutely despise the phone but that’s a long childhood “social phobia” of sorts. I need to see a person, their facial expressions, where they are looking, do they look bored, yawning, looking at their phone etc.. This is all part of my hypervigilance but it makes initiating phone calls very difficult.

My first preference is email. I think a lot of this comes from my working nights for so many years. It’s also because I know you can not read something i write or delete it and i won’t see you doing it. It’s better than being rejected on a phone call or even text. I can read your email when i am able and respond when I’m able and will also be able to think about what I’m writing (I don’t think fast on my feet).

Text is in there as second but for short exchanges.

Since the pandemic, I have learned to be ok with zoom but that is not high on my list because it involves planning for two (or more, God forbid) people to figure out when they are both available, and then if they are tired, well, they’re obligated, blah blah blah. Just send me an email. I know there are advantages to “zooming” and I’m grateful that it became so popular during the pandemic.

Communicating via social media posts to me is not even really an option. it’s like inviting the whole world into the girl’s locker room to listen in on your conversations????

In person is great but everyone’s so busy these days that you just never find the time to get together and that’s unfortunate.

Letters are also very special too and I love people who take the time to write them. But if you have a question or need advice and “need it now” (in our world of instant gratification), then snail mail won’t cut the mustard anymore. It is excellent, though, for showing people you care because people don’t want to admit it but they love to get cards and letters.

Then there’s messenger…wow… to me, messenger is like Twitter but generally privately. Now, the group chat function of messenger is pretty good and I’ve used it a couple of times but it is now being used by every “group” or page you belong to and to me, that’s annoying (yeah, i know I’m a curmudgeon). I have a lot of difficulty sitting around waiting for you to answer me when we are interacting. I don’t mind waiting if i sent you a message late at night. i don’t expect you to read it then. but to “catch up” about what’s going on in your love life or work or over the past 40 years – no way. it’s write something, wait, wait, wait, then read a sentence, then ask another question or make a comment, then wait wait wait and on and on and on….

So, each has it’s place for me and now that I have figured this out, It’s my job to figure out what works for others and if they matter to me (and if they didn’t, why am I writing this?), learn what works for them and do my best to accommodate. But more importantly to NOT JUDGE if their “language” is not the same as mine.

Life is always intriguing!